Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I start to date a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring what you want in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based therapy professional who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
